OK, I have a problem with being vulnerable. Let me just get that out of the way. I have an aversion to telling people my real weaknesses, even though I really want to. I am not, as the saying goes, the son of a glass-maker; not very transparent by default. There, I feel much better now… Confession is good for the soul.
“Why are you writing about this subject then?”, you might wisely ask. Well, the reason is that I recently learned, for the first time in my life the difference between “being open” and “being vulnerable.” I realize now that I have been making excuses in my mind for not being vulnerable based on a misunderstanding of the difference between openness and vulnerability.
You see, I have always thought that being open is selfish. It unloads something negative like bitterness or hurt on somebody else. In return, they give you an apology, sympathy or compassion. Either way, it usually feels good for the one being open, and not so good for the one who is being dumped on. Think through these examples:
“Hi, I just wanted to tell you that you hurt me by not returning my phone call.”
“Sister, you were very insensitive when you said that.”
“Bro, I forgive you, but just wanted to let you know that it was really rude not to say hi when I walked in.”
In all of these examples, the person has been hurt or offended and they unload on the person who hurt them in order to feel better. All of my adult life I have thought that this type of thing is commanded by God, but I somehow never could get my heart behind it because it seemed like just a bunch of selfishness. Of course my solution of just not speaking up when hurt was not good either. Thankfully I am very laid back and forgiving by nature, but I have often struggled with forgiving, forgetting and trusting my heart again.
When I learned the difference between being “open” and being “vulnerable”, it opened up a whole new realm for me. I realized that I have a tool that God can use in my life for forgiveness and also for growth! Here is what I learned:
The basic definition of vulnerability is exposing your own weakness.
That’s it! When I thought about it, I realized how true this is. In every situation where you are hurt or bitter about something, the reason is because you are weak in some area. For example, if somebody doesn’t say “hi” and you are hurt by it, the weakness if probably insecurity. If somebody overlooks your hard work, your weakness could be doing things out of the right heart.
Vulnerability, as I learned it, involves three things:
1. Acknowledging your weakness
2. Exposing your need
3. Sharing your feelings about what happened
The first step is to figure out why something hurt you, or why you disliked something. That should be the first thing you share. The second thing is to let the person know your need in this area. The third thing is to express your hurt in the situation, without judging the motives – because, after all, you would not have been hurt if you were not weak.
Think about how different the following examples of vulnerability from the “open” examples above:
“Hi, I just wanted to let you know that I am a very insecure person. When people don’t return my calls, I start thinking that they don’t care about me. So, I need people to return my calls. I know that you were probably busy, or maybe you didn’t get my call, but I just wanted to let you know that I felt hurt when you didn’t return my call.”
“Sister, I am a very sensitive person. I’ve struggled with this all my life. When people say things without thinking I am often hurt, so I need you to know that so that you can be careful around me. When you said “…” it hurt me, not because of what you said, I’m not questioning your intentions, but just because of my sensitivity…”
“Bro, I am a very insecure and somewhat touchy person. If anybody slights me in the smallest way it sets me to questioning my worth and our friendship. I really need a lot of affirmation. When I walked in today I said “hi” and didn’t hear you respond. I don’t know if you did, and I just didn’t hear, or maybe you didn’t hear me or had something else on your mind. But, it hurt me due to my insecurity. My uptightness, made me started questioning whether you really cared for our friendship…”
Isn’t this type of vulnerability much better than simply being open? It seems like if done right there are incredible benefits! First, you wouldn’t be as likely to hurt the other person. Second, you would be automatically closer to them because you are exposing your own weakness. Third, you are likely to grow in that area of your weakness the more you expose it.
I pray that God helps me in this new venture in life. I want to learn true vulnerability on an experiential level. Let me know if you have any thoughts about all of this – as I said before, I’m no expert!
#1 by Shaela on March 11, 2011 - 4:20 am
Quote
Joseph, this is great! Thanks! It makes total sense, and I’ve felt similar things. I’ve actually been on both ends of the “openness” and though being the sharer may feel good at the time, since it doesn’t promote love in the relationship, it leaves the sharer feeling the lack of the very thing they hoped to get by being open!
I am also someone who has had many “talks” with people due to my sensitivity, and often wondered why, when I was just trying to be a “good” disciple and be honest with people by communicating my hurt, my relationships seemed even less mutual and more elusive. I felt like the more I gave to keep the relationship deep and honest, the less the other person wanted to do with it!!
Well, this brings a lot of light to that. I would pull back from someone who kept dumping their emotional responsibility on me, too!
So, thanks again for helping me realize what I can do differently to really promote healing when I inevitably hurt (or feel hurt by) my relationships.
#2 by Joseph Dindinger on March 24, 2011 - 11:27 am
Quote
Thanks Shaela! We all have a lot to learn in this area…
#3 by Georgette on April 9, 2011 - 9:40 am
Quote
Excellent way of breaking it down Joseph. I will try to use this from of vulnerability. Thank you for teaching me a new way to think about “being open”.
G. xo
#4 by Leslie Robinson on July 6, 2011 - 3:21 pm
Quote
Joseph, i am so glad that I read this today. There has always been a hard disconnect for me on what I know to be true professionally, and what the bible says. I am often dumped on by people ( comes with the territory of being controversial in nature) and walk away feeling so beat up by what they share with me. Professionally, it is co-dependent and blame-shifting to try to hold others responsible for your insecurity, touchiness and sensitivity in reaction to their behavior/speach. I have had people insist that I need to apologize to them for the way they react to what I say or do because of a hidden sensitivity that I, nor any one else in ear-shot of the conversation would have ever predicted. However, as a Disciple of Jesus Christ, I know that I am responsible for every word that comes our of my mouths. Where do these meet? How can one be true and the other also be true? This sheds some light on how to navigate these situations. Those that are “Sharing their heart” (even when it is me!) about their hurt feelings need to share a bit more to be TOTALLY honest.
Now the challenging part is when the person (even when it is me) is not aware that they are overly sensitive, touchy or even are ready to deal with their insecurities in a certain area.
I pray that others that read this are as touched by it as I am. I repent from being just open and will fight to be totally open and vulnerable.
Thanks Joseph!
#5 by Ahbra Sargent on July 6, 2011 - 7:41 pm
Quote
This was very insightful. I will put this into practice and be vulnerable instead of just being open. I’ve always felt something was not quite right with “openness” and have felt conflicted because I too felt it was a commandment from God. Your format for vulerability is much more helpful in building others up and speaking the truth in love as the Bible teaches. Keep ReThinking!